Complications.
When I was a kid, I wanted to grow up fast. Now that I am 22, I miss being a kid again wherein my problems were as simple as:
- Which clothes look good together to make my Barbie jaw-dropping for Ken? I try my best to mix and match the little Barbie clothes that I even wash cos I simply love all of them! And when I get bored with the outfit already, I could easily change them or even buy new ones.
- What creative output can I make out of Lego and Clay Doh? And so I build and build and when I get bored, I could tear them down and think of another thing to build.
- Where did I put that Polly Pocket friend? I’m lucky if I could actually find that small thing! If not, I guess I have no choice but to buy a new one and live with a small number of Polly Pocket friends.
- How do I become the best trainer in Pokemon? How could I be the richest in Monopoly/Millionaire’s Game? How do I beat my family in chess?
- How do I make Nina the best in Tekken? I get furious when I get knocked out. But at least I could easily try again even after the game is over.
During my gradeschool and highschool days, here’s a rundown of my problems:
- How do I balance and do cartwheels on such a thin beam? Like 1-1.5 inch thin? Not to mention, it’s like 3-4 feet tall, depends on which beam! At least when I fall, I fall on that red pad soft enough to lessen the bruises I get.
- How do I boost my confidence in that usual Cheering Competition we have on our yearly Intramurals? Can you even I imagine I danced!? Dancing is not my thing! Running is!
- How do I hit the ball perfectly so I could score a home run with just one hit? If I don’t get it in one hit, at least I could run by base.
- How do I hit the goal?
That time, those problems sounded challenging! That’s why I considered them problems! Now, they sound easy. I don’t know if it’s because I’ve solved them all or because I matured a little bit. Cos if I did mature, I need a little bit more of that! Young adulthood problems make me crazy and feel numb that I just don’t want to think of them anymore. Not thinking of them gives me peace. But as I talked about it with a good friend, she told me it only gives temporary peace. Real peace is when I let my heart do the talking and not live with all those unsaid words all my life. Sooner or later, I will explode anyway.
The thing is, I have issues when it comes to talking my heart out. Yes, I may be loud, nagging, and say lots of words at times but when it comes to expressing feelings? I don’t know but I just can’t! As dramatic as my life is getting right now, I hate drama. I don’t watch teleseryes or drama-ramas. I just don’t like too much drama, that’s all. That’s just not my thing. The problem is, my problems seem to push me into saying what’s in my heart, which I think is just too private to share! My good friend says it’s called not letting people in. Cos yes, I am a coward. I make friends easily, I could rush things, trust easily, say the wrong sweet words at the right-wrong time, and then screw things up. But ask me, did I really love the person? I know I did cos I know I won’t do anything like it if I didn’t have any feelings but I don’t know if love is enough. I don’t even know if it was really love for the person or love of the things that we do that weigh/matter more or both? That’s another thing, I always don’t know because I don’t like thinking. I’m guessing I’m doing a lot of thinking right now as I blog but later on when I get tired, I will decide to just let things be. Sooner or later, it will fall into its place. Besides I think everything happening to me right now is just out of my control so why risk my sanity?
The end point is, I am just not matured enough. I just haven’t grown enough. The only responsibility I love is that I am a nurse. But other responsibilities like love and relationship that’s for real? Yes, I may be dead sweet, damn caring and loving, all supporting and ever-so thoughtful; I may give you everything you want that I can give; but not really the whole of me. I value my freedom to things on my own too. I can adjust upto a certain level, improve, but won’t ever change for anyone. I don’t want to be totally controlled and be kept in a small box where if I could no longer breathe, really, I will break free. Call that weird/psycho, but I guess that’s a part of me a very few have witnessed. Of course, we have to be in a certain level of relationship before one could witness that. I know it’s not good but I guess it only proves that I am not ready for anything that serious even if my words or actions tell that I am ready. Just don’t be fooled. Cos sometimes, I am fooled by myself.
I know a person who’s somewhat like this. Sweet, caring, thoughtful, kind in his own ways. But this person also enjoys being alone too - just playing around and literally playing with his computer all day. I love that this person could work, love, but still have time to do his stuff. He’s not, at all, that demanding. Well at least for me cos maybe he doesn’t care enough cos we’re just friends. But I am attracted with that side of him.
I know a person who really loves me. And I do too but I’m not really sure if I could give it to that person because like what I’ve been nagging about, I have relationship issues.
And then other people who are making friends but with a touch of flirting. Haha! I could handle flirting cos I am one haha just don’t make me think you are thinking that everything is serious cos if you do tell me or ask me things like, “what are we?”, pack up and get ready cos I will definitely freak out and then get paranoid. I would start thinking about it and then get scared cos I don’t know why you thought of that and cos I know I don’t want anything serious yet and then i’ll start crying because of confusion. I know because one person made that mistake and look at us now. The fun things are over. Questions like that ruin my whatever with anyone cos I am a coward who wants everything but the commitment and totally losing the freedom to do what I want.
Say hello to probably one of the most unpredictable, weird, and complicated girls you’ll ever meet! But don’t get me wrong. I love myself! I know I will mature more and grow more one day, but not today. No one, even myself, should be pushing or rushing for that to happen. It will just happen, I know. Right now, I just need to be happy with people who actually get my personality. Or with people who just love to have clean hang outs and laugh trips and food trips! :D
